The last week and a half have been like riding a roller coaster. Shortly after my last post, I made a flying 2500 mile trip to Frisco, TX and then Santa Fe, NM and then back home in a matter of 5 days. My step-mother is in the fight of her life with an aggressive form of cancer. We thought that she was not going to make it, so I headed off on a whirlwind journey. I am happy to report that she is doing better for the moment, but only time will tell how long she is going to be with us.
That being said, I still find my self being afraid - about a lot of things. I have been very good at putting on the "church" face and polishing up on my "church" answers to try and stay positive during this time. I have found, however, that there are times when that is just not possible. Now is one of those times. I will apologize now for wallowing in my own self pity, but that is a very human thing to do. God did create emotional humans, after all.
I guess my fears come from confusion. Confusion as to not understanding why we are going through this drought of unemployment right now. (Before you think it, I know that we are not the only people who are as evidenced by the high unemployment rate.) There are just no jobs out there that are in my husband's field of expertise. I would go back to work, but it has been almost 7 years since my last job, so that would be hard to get someone to hire me. What are we supposed to be learning? What lesson is God trying to teach us? Does He want us to move from Amarillo? Where? Did we make an incorrect choice? Are we on the wrong path, one of our choosing and not on the one God would have us to be on? I simply don't have any answers for these questions and haven't heard from God. Why?
I know that we are called to live by faith in God - that He alone will provide for us. But if we are not hearing from Him, what can we do? Before you think of the "church" answer to "keep praying!" - I have thought that. I know that is the right answer, but I haven't been getting any answers from God and have become very afraid.
* Afraid of being homeless
* Afraid of how our children will be affected by this time
* Afraid of not having any answers for our children
* Afraid of one or both of us becoming very ill since we don't have medical insurance
* Afraid of never hearing from God again
These fears may seem trivial to you, but they are very real to me. I know that fear is not of God, but it is so hard not to be afraid right now. I put on a brave face for my children, but I can no longer do that for my husband. He knows me better than any person on this planet, and I cannot hide my fears from him. I want so much to be the loving, supporting, non-needy wife, but I simply cannot do that. I don't want to trouble him with these fears because he is under so much pressure right now, and I know that I am no help.
God, if you are still listening to me, please hear my fears. Please change the fear in my heart to calm and assure me that You are still directing our path. We need a way out of this valley, O Lord, and I know that You are it. God I am so thankful that you gave my such a wonderful husband. I want so much to be the supportive wife my husband needs me to be, but I cannot do it without You. My fears are too many to overcome them on my own. I know that You can wipe those fears from my heart and mind and replace them with calm and assurance. I know that You are my Creator and You know me. I know that you did not promise a comfortable, easy life, but You did promise strengthen me, help me , and uphold me with Your mighty hand (Isaiah 41:10). God you promised to answer prayer (John 15:7). I am humbly asking You to do these things. For it is in Your son's name I pray. Amen
Your family is going to get through this experience and you are going to emerge on the other side with a powerful testimony of His love and providence, and your family will have an even stronger bond. Every person has his or her "stones" to remind us of God's faithfulness and His ability to provide for His children. He's already taken hold of the situation--the house sale and all of that was immediately God-directed timing, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI know this seems like a huge oversimplification, but think of this sort of like vaccinations. As the parent, you know why they are experiencing this pain and you know that it is ultimately for your child's benefit. You know that the pain of the shot and the swollen leg and the fever will pass, and that the protection they are gaining cannot even compare to the pain of the injection.
I think these experiences are the same deal. God feels your pain and He's crying with you, but He knows why you're having to go through this and what the ultimate benefit will be. Have faith. Remember that you're the little one and your Father is doing the best thing for you.
We have been in the valley deeply twice--once with health issues on a child that swung us from huge prenatal issues to MRIs and everything in between over more than 6 months, and ultimately resulted in a huge and powerful answer to prayer that is still an integral part of our testimonies and brought us closer as husband and wife. And once with a huge God's-will-for-our-marriage/school/job issue and that one took a full almost-three years to come full circle (and a whole lot of stress weight that I have yet to lose!). Although I still don't agree with *how* that one happened interpersonally, His hand in the situation is oh-so obvious in hindsight.
Have faith. If you ever want to talk, I'm here!